Fears of being assaulted for who one is is justified

I wouldn’t call myself a racist. I’d call myself a “homoist.” I realized this today as I watched Dr. Phil, who had an episode on racism. As I laid in bed with three dogs and my mother, (what can I say, I’m a momma’s boy) I couldn’t help but think, “Hey, I’m not racist.” My mother made the same statement only out loud, as if the dogs or I could be fooled by her.

I came back at her with, “yeah, only caring and worldly people call rap ‘Ubangee Music’.” My mother is a pretty intelligent woman, except she never seems to catch on to my sarcasm.

As I was listening to the stories of people from different races saying what they hate about their stereotypes, one black man proclaimed that he didn’t like how he could see oncoming white people switch sidewalks and then get back onto the sidewalk they were originally walking on.

I said, “I do that.” All of a sudden a series of questions flowed through me like a voice over monologue you see in GLEE.

“Am I racist?” “What could this mean?!” “Am I bad person?” My mother blurted to me, “See, you’re a racist too!” Wanting to argue back at her, I decided to discover this action I commit almost daily on my own.

I finally came to the realization that I don’t do it because I’m scared they’re black, because not but 12 hours prior I walked from a Downtown bar to my car on campus and several times veered off the sidewalk but the oncoming pedestrians were white and more importantly straight.

I realized that I am scared of heterosexuals. I guess not really scared of them but more scared of what they can do to someone. Now if it’s a one on one situation, I’m fine but I find that the hetero’s travel in packs, like wolves. I’m not saying every heterosexual male is out to bash a homosexual male’s head into pavement but time and history has showed us that the most trusting of people have been victims to heinous hate crimes i.e. Matthew Shepard.

I fear being beaten so savagely and left to view a town that wanted nothing to do with me as my last image. To be crucified to a fence and left for dead. To have paramedics and police officers see the tear marks dried in the blood on my face. I fear that happening to me.

I fear the misunderstanding and the hatred that people have in their hearts.

When are we safe? When are we finally free? When are we equal?

You can easily go on You-Tube and see footage of two gay men at last year’s Minneapolis Pride Festival being harassed by a dozen or so adolescents, and the police that are watching the scene do absolutely nothing about it. I have experienced that same injustice here in our town.

Freshmen year I had a milk carton full of food in it thrown at me at a school picnic towards the end of the year. On the carton was the word “fag” and the administration did nothing about it, in fact I was told “They are good kids, they are on the student council, they won’t do it again.” The police never wrote down the names of the boys, so I couldn’t file a report. The harassment would only get worse. This was a tenth of my experience in high school.

I’ve seen gay men and women being beaten up on the street in New York City.

I’ve heard tales of gay men in the south being dragged around by their genitalia behind a pick-up truck. I fear all of this.

My experience with heterosexuals is that I’m good for fashion and laughter, but beyond that I’m just a second rate citizen. The government and the people of this country get to choose what laws that people without a choice have to obey.

I voted for a president who told me that I would be equal with the rest of my brethren, and yet the only equality I see myself having with his eight years in office is the one to join the military. A military that will send me oversees to fight for a freedom that I don’t actually have.

I thought of all of this and wished I had the ability to reach across the television screen and slap Dr. Phil with a stapler. And in between that staple and his fat forehead would be a piece of paper that said, “Yes I am a homo-ist, because everyday you wake up with no fear that someone is going to kill you because of who you are and I do.”