Halloween is for the kids and the kids alone

Driving to New London last night, I saw several families walking the street, going house to house with small children holding their sugar bounty like pirates protecting their gold.

I also saw a few groups of young adults dressed to the nines in witch costumes, pimp suits and devil horns.

I contemplated slowing to a crawl and yelling at these misguided teens.

However, I restrained myself and instead contemplated why it is that Halloween has (d)evolved into a Valentine like holiday.

I came up with a few ideas.

First of all, there is the belief that dressing up in a costume can allow your inhibitions to revert to childhood.

Allowing yourself to spend a few moments back in the days of saying and doing anything without regard to social norms is a nobel idea.

Secondly, a mask or costume seems to allow one’s own conscience to proceed as though you are the person you are portraying.

It is, all of a sudden, acceptable to bite someone’s neck with your cheap fangs.

It becomes normal to pretend to slap a girl because you have a cheap, cheesy chalice.

Smashing pumpkins is the night’s goal, as it should be considering the two spikes you have placed upon your greased down, spray painted hair.

But the biggest reason I could think of is the age-old process of fitting in.

After a certain age, Halloween becomes yet another reason to party.

Kegs, or these days multiple cases, are purchased for the sole purpose of inhaling while wearing masks and costumes.

Gone is the free-spirited notion that allowed us, as children, to be scared of ghosts and goblins.

Gone is the simple, yet painfully awkward, task of asking our neighbor, “trick or treat.”

Gone is everything that makes Halloween appropriate for a 5-year-old, and completely wrong for anyone past fifth grade.

As I continued my drive, I also thought about that last line.

What is the right age to stop dressing up for candy. I came to a simple conclusion.

Seven.

Halloween holds nothing for anyone past second grade. Some may say this is too early, but, to me, Halloween is a G-rated holiday.

The banks are open, so there is no real holiday. It is the Valentines Day of the fall.

Oct. 31 has become more about buying candy and annoyingly stupid costumes as much as Feb. 14 is all about thoughtless cards and overpriced flowers.

Thanksgiving is now all but forgotten as that stop-gap feast in-between Halloween and Christmas.

Now, Thanksgiving is a holiday I can get behind.

Plenty of food and booze to be enjoyed with family and friends. It’s like Christmas without the outdated need to show love through money and gifts.

Halloween needs to be rendered down to it’s basic need to allow kids to dress up and run around until the inevitable sugar crash sends them crying to bed.

Using the day to smash pumpkins, drink orange beer and act like utter fools is the wrong approach.

Pick a random day and have a costume party. Be creative. A keg stand through a demon mask is not nearly as impressive as you may remember.

If you remember at all.