Avoiding unnecessary drama is as easy as making phone calls on time

As a writer, I fully understand that I’m a bit “quirky.” I have accepted this. As an actor, I am a bit “emotional.” I have accepted this. As a gay man, I look “fabulous.” I have accepted this.

However as a boyfriend, I apparently suck balls (not in a literal way (that’s a WHOLE other article that is NOT appropriate for SCSU-or my mother to hear).

See, I don’t accept this because I can’t even get to that point of being someone’s boyfriend and when I magically can make a gay man commit to something like that (which is as hard as getting Martha Stewart NOT to wash her hands after touching the chicken before cutting the vegetables), I can’t get past three months without being cheated on.

I’m not kidding. The past eight boyfriends (yes...eight...I realize how big of a number that is...I’m a hopeless romantic...sue me) have cheated on me before the third month marker.
In fact I am so determined to make the third month marker that I have recently gone on a dating spree. And when I do make the third month marker, I’m having a party and you’re invited.

He could break up with me on the following day after the party, and it would still be a momentous occasion, because then I, Benjamin Bradley Kaufman the first, had finally made it past the three month marker and can join the monogamous adults and leave the pre-teen dating jumpers (I couldn’t come up with an appropriate word, so jumpers it is) for good.

Now I have presented two problems and I’m soon to run out of “Opinion space,” so I’m going to quickly digest this for you “Reader’s” style.

Ever since I was young, I have wanted basically what can only be described as someone of perfection and my mind plays the games of sabotage against me as it (my mind) heightens the tiny problematic nuance into a huge catastrophe that I can’t get over. And even when I’ve found perfection (and yes I’ve found it several times and yes I might have been diluted by the 7th or 8th shot of 151 (Note: I am 22 and I do not condone binge drinking for those of age or under age) then my mind starts a whole new game of warfare.
It (my mind again) taps into my psyche and reaches the far corners and it summons my wonderful gift of creativity and unleashes the wrath of my over-analytical thoughts.
Now I wouldn’t say I’m obsessive. And I wouldn’t say I’m a “smotherer” (as certain host’s of “The Buzz” would call me), I would say I’m a concerned individual.

However men (gay or straight) if you say you’ll call later tonight, please note that “tonight” means before Midnight!

If you call at Midnight or Midnight-thirty...you are in fact calling the next day. And while it may not be a problem or a “big deal” for you, it is for us girls (and gay boys who call themselves girls, although we have no intention of being girls).

We could be sleeping if we knew you were going to call tomorrow, instead we are waiting up all night thinking of the many different reasons you have not called. There are usually 5 and they go in order as follows.

1. He didn’t like me
2. He thought I didn’t like him
3. He’s with someone else
4. He’s in a car accident
5. Michelle Bachman shot him (this only works if you’re gay)

Here’s the thing though, we are pretty logical people. So when we text you the first time, it is to see if you like us and to reassure you that we like you.

Once we don’t hear from you, we assume you’re with someone else, so we might call at this point. When you don’t answer, and we know you have had a good time with us (I mean after all, that date was pretty amazing) then it’s not abnormal to believe you were in a car accident.

So you see calling the police station to see if something turned up, isn’t that psychotic and when the cops tell us “No reports of a car accident yet ma’am (because they always assume that we are girls, even when our voice is lower than Cher’s) I’m sure everything is fine.”

Well we know better and resort to the fact that yes, Michelle Bachman has indeed shot you. So when we rush to the hospital, it’s not because we’re smothering, but because we are genuinely worried about you. And calling your mom even though we’ve never met is just a precautionary measure.

And all this could have been avoided had you just called when you said you would. However, as a gay actor who writes, I realize I have an active imagination and I might take things too far, but hey, someone out there has to be willing to love that whole heartedly. And that, I must accept!