Skateboarding should be a crime on SCSU

Years ago, I wrote in this paper about the rudeness of bicyclists on campus and made veiled threats as to how I was to deal with them.

Well, now a new beats has emerged that destroys sidewalk etiquette. They ride on four wheels which support a plank of wood longer than half the average student height.

Yes, people. Banana boards are back, and their riders are more smug than Kanye West being told he was God.

They skate right through large groups of people, assuming they have more right to be on the sidewalk than the rest of us.

I cannot stress this enough: they are called “sidewalks,” not “sideskates.”

This is not a hard concept to grasp. If you are forcing people off the sidewalk while riding something, you should not be on the sidewalk.

These skateboarders are, after hipsters, hippies and terrorists, the bane of my existence.

Look, if students can’t walk the three or four blocks to school who don’t suffer from a debilitating handicap, then they are just lazy.

There is no need to skateboard around campus. It angers people like me and it is infuriating to have to move because some lazy student needs to wheel by on a skateboard that was popular in the 1970s.

Banana boards were popular then, but seeing them today being used by kids dressing like they came right out the movie “Dog Town and Z-Boys” is as depressing as listening to an Elliot Smith album without taking the anti-depressants.

Look, taking items from the past and making them cool again is not innovative; it is the defining moment of this generation that proves how lazy we are.

Why can’t we come up with a skateboard that hovers, like in “Back to the Future 2?”

I am tempted to bring a bag of marbles to campus and accidently spill them when some skateboarder or bicycle terrorist come my way.

Perhaps SCSU’s respect and responsibility workshop could include proper skateboarding and bicycling manners on and around campus. One would think this would be common sense, but apparently it is not.

I used to agree that “skateboarding is not a crime.” This past year, my attitude has changed. Skateboarding rudely on campus should not only be illegal, but punishable by expulsion or forced to eat Garvy every day.

That may seem harsh, but  I don’t care. If people can learn to skate on campus in a way that does not force me into the grass, then I may change my stance. Until then, something needs to change.