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Dating outside of culture can cause obstacles
Dating outside your own culture brings on many different and unique hurdles for a couple.
Those hurdles are not always hard, they can be a wonderful learning experience and a good time. In the weekly series Women On Wednesday, Intercultural Relationships brought the topic at hand into focus: what is it like to date someone not of your own culture and what can be gained from those relationships.
As Hedy Tripp, a pre-college coordinator in the Ethnic Studies Program, learned it is a celebration of all cultures.
"It is getting bigger in the wealth of knowledge," Tripp said, "of other cultures and being able to share it with my children."
Tripp is of mixed Asian decent, raised in Singapore where there was only a small portion of the population to choose from in regards to her ethnicity.
"Being married to a white man in Singapore was almost seen as betrayal to the Asian culture," Tripp said.
She first married a white Jewish American. This marriage was for 10 years, and she learned plenty about feeling unaccepted and being an outsider in her own family. In her first marriage, she dealt heavily with religious conflict, besides racial conflict.
Her husband supported her, but her own mother-in-law did not accept her as her daughter. After their first child was born, Tripp began to see immediately the true feelings for her.
"I felt like a baby sitter to my own children," Tripp said. "I was not welcomed into his family."
She later divorced him and is now married to an African American man. With him she learned so much more. With her new husband she learns about his culture and he helps teach her children about her culture.
"I learned what it meant to be Black in America," Tripp said. "I feel that it is important to embrace all cultures and not leave anything out."
Tripp continues to share all cultures with her children.
"I see my life as a river, and with the marriage of my Jewish husband it widened. Our children made it bigger," said Tripp. "When I married my second husband, it became even bigger, and as we share our cultures it widens even more."
Tripp believes that she is a richer person for having all these cultures in her life and knowing about so many.
Tripp wasn't the only woman who felt that religion and race made their relationships harder.
Flora Calderon-Streck, a faculty in Ethnic Studies, is from Costa Rica. She moved to New York when she was 15. She was raised in a traditional Latino family, which included grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all under the same roof.
Calderon-Steck first seriously dated a Mexican man studying in America. She felt wonderful.
"It felt nice to go to a movie in spanish and not have to explain anything," said Calderon-Steck. "We never had to explain ourselves."
Because he was Mexican, not Latino, her family hoped she would move on. They were not pleased. Awhile later she met the man who is now her husband. He is a white, presbyterian (now minister) American. Her parents were upset.
"I felt like such a traitor, to my family, to my culture, to myself," said Calderon-Steck, upon marrying him. "I was Roman Catholic and he was not."
Calderon-Steck has had to do plenty of teaching her husband rules and customs of her culture. He knew that he needed to prove himself to her family.
"I've had to do a lot of teaching and he has had to do plenty of learning," Calderon-Steck said. "It is a constant question of why."
Calderon-Steck knew that it was going to be harder as time went on. She knew that when they had children it was going to get difficult. She herself is the oldest child. She had given up her religion for him and his religion. The question of religion was very important to both of them. She had been asked by a relative to be a godparent. When she went to training at the Catholic Church, the priest denied her the rights.
"I was a traitor to the church," said Caleron-Steck. "Since I had married into another faith I had been denounced by the Catholic Church. I was heartbroken to hear that. Everyone thought I was going to burn in Hell."
She continued to stay with her Catholic faith, but she was still heartbroken. Calderon-Steck still teaches Sunday School in the presbyterian church. She has a different perspective of things, though.
"I have assimilated, to take on much of the dominant group to fit in," Calderon-Steck said. "But I choose to follow him, I am giving up a lot. There is more than just the two of us. You expand within the culture. When I am alone I feel very invisible."
Calderon-Steck has been married now for 10 years, and she enjoys her life. She and her husband are still learning about the each other, the each other's culture and family.
Nissa Billmyer can be reached at: [email protected]
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