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St. Cloud State University
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America’s new pastime?
Published:
Thursday, October 3, 2002
Adam Czech -- Staff Column
Taxes are too high, there aren’t enough roads and discipline in our schools seems to get worse every day.
A person like Eminem can gain national fame and truckloads of cash by talking about killing his mother and beating on women, while a guy like Randy Moss can still be allowed to play football after using his car to nearly flatten a traffic cop.
Kids everywhere are getting tattoos, piercings, and disrespecting their elders every opportunity they get. Their parents don’t even seem to care.
But it all pales in comparison to what may lie in the future of this great nation. Ladies and gentleman, I hate to say it, but I fear one day soccer may actually be accepted as a sport in the United States.
Most Americans know that soccer is madly popular across the globe, but not here. Throughout U.S. history soccer has been played by little kids because they simply don’t know any better, or their parents didn’t want them to get hurt playing football.
Eventually however, kids realized what soccer actually was: cross-country with a ball. They then moved on to play real sports like football, baseball and basketball.
But now, like some sort of agonizing disease, soccer seems to be taking over.
Television ratings for football, baseball, basketball and hockey are down, while people actually cared how the United States did in the 2002 World Cup (we lost in the quarterfinals) and didn’t care how we did in the 2002 World Basketball Championships (we finished an embarrassing sixth in front of dismal crowds in Indianapolis, Ind.).
Many high schools now offer soccer as a sport in the fall, and many kids actually choose to play soccer over football. Five years ago this would have been unheard of.
Is this the end of America as we know it?
If soccer does one day become a real sport in the eyes of Americans, our country is doomed.
There would be an influx of athletes with only one name and mullet-style haircuts. Rioting would replace face-painting and tail-gating as American sporting traditions. Instead of playing hurt, athletes would fake injuries every chance they could in order to draw a penalty. Finally, scoring more than three points would be considered an offensive explosion.
Is this really what we want for our nation? Do we want to raise our kids in an environment that chooses getting drunk and burning cars over waving homer- hankies and doing the wave?
It’s going to be up to our generation to put a stop to this soccer invasion. Once we get married and have kids, the day may come where little Johnny or Sally may approach us with a permission slip to sign, authorizing them to play soccer.
It is then time for “the talk.”
We must inform them of the dangers of playing soccer and put them on the right path to basketball, football, volleyball, softball, baseball or golf. Heck, even ultimate frisbee or gymnastics.
If our beloved child still insists on playing soccer, begrudgingly sign the slip and allow it to happen.
But, if your child eventually doesn’t lose interest and begins to grow a mullet, refers to themselves by first name only, and starts random riots, you must step in and stop them before it’s too late.
The future of this country depends on it.
