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St. Cloud State University
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Sk8ter Boi's days numbered
By Andy Rennecke
Published:
Monday, November 4, 2002
Andy Rennecke -- Staff Essay
As students walk along the SCSU campus, thoughts of being in danger never really enter their mind.
The main thoughts going through students' heads are of issues dealing with classes or where they're going to get trashed that particular night. Little do students know that there is pure evil lurking just behind them. This evil travels at a very fast speed and sometimes cannot be easily identified. Oh my God, look out!
That's right, it's Sk8ter Boi.
While I'm playing on the Avril Lavigne song here just bare with me. A real live Sk8er Boi haunts our very sidewalks here at SCSU. While you're walking to class, all of a sudden you are alerted by a loud humming sound coming up behind you. Is it a biker, a skateboarder? Hell no, it's rollerblading's version of Moby, Sk8er Boi.
If you haven't seen this man who travels mysteriously about on his rollerblades, you're in for a treat when you do. He's as bald as my Geo Prizm's tires, wears tech colors such as yellow or orange all the time, has shades on no matter what the weather is like and performs on his blades like he's Brian Boitano.
I have a news flash for you Sk8er Boi: you're an idiot. Whoever you are I'm on a crusade to stop you from figure skating on our hallowed school grounds.
When people are walking on campus they don't want to move out of the way for a butt-munch like you. They want to walk peacefully to class and not be disturbed by your annoying antics. If I wanted to see someone do figure eights and stunts on rollerblades, I'd go to an X-games exhibition.
It already sucks having to get out of the way for bikers and skateboarders, but now I have to move so you can try and impress people with your "skills."
Trust me though Sk8er Boi, no one is impressed by you. You look like a 38-year-old suburbanite trying to be the Tony Hawk of rollerblading. It isn't working for you. People laugh and ridicule you and you don't even know it.
Who are you Sk8er Boi? Do you attend classes here at SCSU, because I never see you with a backpack on? Personally, I think you're just some dude off the street with a night job who has nothing to do during the day. So in the morning you shine your cue-ball head, put on your 1999 tech vest from Old Navy, strap on your blades and head out to SCSU to try to fit in.
It's time to stop this and move on with your life, Sk8er Boi. I'm guessing your college career ended about 15 years ago. It's time to start a family and move out of that one bedroom apartment you've called home since 1987.
But here is my main point to SCSU students. The next time you hear a loud whooshing behind you, be prepared to do something drastic. Look behind you, and if you're blinded by the sunlight off the top of Sk8er Boi's head don't fret. Just grab a large branch, or just stick your foot out and let Sk8er Boi know how you really feel about him. It will be the trip heard 'round St. Cloud.
If nobody else does this, I will Sk8er Boi. You've been a menace to SCSU long enough. It's time for your reign of terror to be brought to an abrupt halt. So, look at my mug very carefully, Mr. Boitano. The next time you run into me, there'll be little birdies flying around in the bright blue sky.
However, I will not reveal what I'll use to trip up your rollerblading.� Who knows, it could be either a large stick or a banana peel.� Whatever happens though, you'll be the one watching your back from now on, you annoying pest.
