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Squirrel population out of hand
By Andy Rennecke
Published:
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Andy Rennecke -- Staff Essay
This is getting way out of hand.
Little beasts are beginning to threaten SCSU students as they walk to class every day. They climb down from trees, jump at you in the wink of an eye and come closer and closer to human beings than ever thought possible. They're becoming more confident and self-assured. It's as if these rabid animals are getting smarter by the day.
Of course I'm talking about the squirrel population that has taken over this campus.
Even though they've always hidden behind the shadows like Batman, squirrels have evolved into something else. It's like they're Teenage Mutant Ninja Rodents, but without the guidance of Splinter.
They've evolved so much around this area that they've begun to attack humans. They are the predator and we are now the prey.
Yesterday I nearly stepped on one of the bug-eyed little critters. I heard scratching on the pavement and as I looked down, I jumped back in fear because this ugly thing was so close to me. As I jumped away, the squirrel leapt at me with an angry scowl. I swear the little creature with the bushy tail was even foaming at the mouth.
All of this happened in what seemed like slow motion. I couldn't believe what was happening. I could've been on "When Squirrels Attack." No doubt FOX is already looking into that exciting show possibility.
As the ugly thing was in the air I stuck my foot out in a last ditch defense attempt. What else could I have done, got down on the ground and wrestled with it?
The squirrel stuck its paws out and hit the bottom of my shoe and landed on the ground. After that it ran away and began to emit some kind of a high-pitched squeal. Yes, that's right, a squeal. I had no idea that squirrels even made sounds until this incident. As it ran up a telephone pole it continued to make this sound.
Apparently I had scarred it for life. The squeal must be some kind of new communication system that they've invented as they've evolved. I ran away in fear because I thought that other squirrels heard this plea and were waiting to jump from the branches above.
After this fracas I was shaken myself. Never before had I been attacked by a squirrel. There were some other occurrences with a cat and an ostrich when I was little, but that's a completely different story. I come from a rural area where squirrels run away at the first sight of a human.
Around campus they're so used to being around people that they come right up to you and could practically eat a walnut right out of your hand. They do eat walnuts, right?
I hate that they keep getting closer and closer. I'd rather run into a rhinoceros than have another run-in with a squirrel. While they may look furry and cute to you, they freak me out like Michael Bolton's voice does to middle-aged men all over America.
So what can we do about this squirrel infestation? I say we all go back to our youth and carry a sling shot with a hard projectile in your pocket. It's like your channeling your inner Dennis the Menace, except you're getting rid of another menace.
The next time you see a squirrel, rock back on the sling shot and let that projectile fly. That will let the squirrels of SCSU know that we will not back down. It's time to take back the sidewalks, people. Otherwise we'll continue to let squirrels attack and run our lives.
I'm sick of living in fear. Why must I walk to school every day and continue to look behind brush and into the treetops to see if I'm being watched by a bunch of enormous rats. This is why the proposal of fighting back is the only way to rid ourselves of these pests.
Whatever you do, don't make any sudden movements. You never know what might set them off.
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