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Next target: the environment
By Wade Stewart
As the war in Iraq pans out, we should think about the future, and what our next target will be. Many think it would be beneficial to attack North Korea, but consider a more hostile target: the environment.
This environmental issue has enraged and repressed us for far too long. The yards of many homes have made slaves of their owners. Each weekend millions of Americans are tending to this green dictator's pampering needs. Let us attack it before it overtakes another yard and strategically grows its blades over another sidewalk.
One cannot approve chemical warfare, but its time to break out the Raid. The insects are on the side of the enemy. They have invaded and nested in our households, threatening our very American freedoms. One cannot go outside either without being attacked by these little terrorists. Cockroaches have already built armies in the dense cities and wait for initiative to attack.
Insects have already engaged us with bio-terrorism. Mosquitoes have assaulted us with malaria as dear ticks came with lyme disease. Don't let the world forget the Black Plague the lice spread.
The biggest repressors of American culture and development are rainforests. With them standing firm, American food chains won't have enough space to raise cattle. The rainforests have been harsh to missionaries by harboring primitive tribes that have never found Jesus. These jungles prevent the righteous from saving these isolated clans from going to hell. A few nukes into the rainforests should take care of their timber oppressor.
Fish and mosquitoes have been parasites in our fresh waters, and seaweeds have caused many to drown. Swamps alone have tricked people's direction perceptions. We should drain these waterways into a controlled area for better use. This applies to the undrinkable ocean water as well where sharks have taken American lives.
The good news is Americans are winning the battle against this uncaring environment. Proof: the ozone has retreated and the dodos are dead. We have restricted buffalos to reservations, spread broken glass over land and have released American plastics into the wild.
On campus, the Miller Learning Center's entrance is sheer proof of the individual fight against the grass. Many noncombat trained students have shot their cigarette butts into these blades, making them retreat. Our message seems to be spreading.
If this American battle fails, we can blame Canada for their lack of willingness to fight nature on the levels we do. People have been at war with the environment for more than five thousands years, and it's about time America wins.
God bless us, everyone.
Wade Stewart can be reached at [email protected]
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