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Diversions
A look at the films of Fall 2002 through Spring 2003
By John Behling
Published:
Thursday, May 1, 2003
My dead puppet body is held above this keyboard by a thin chemical substructure, my exhausted flesh and bone wired into place by coffee, adrenaline and that unnamed amphetamine/psychoactive substance that's released from the nether regions of a writer's brain under deadline. One more deadline I think to myself, one more deadline, one more story, one more layout night, one more Chronicle and assuming that this makes it into print, we have again nearly avoided late night newspaper insanity and a full-scale riot in the basement of Stewart hall.
Although the preceding scenario may very well have taken place and this review is being printed only as my obituary; my head impaled on a stick and displayed triumphantly in Atwood Mall.
In any case, I should move on from this pathetic excuse to fill space on my page and to the matter at hand: this school year's films in review.
When I think this year in review, I initially think "oh my god.. why can't I remember any of the movies I've reviewed this year," so in undertaking this project I resort to the loyal IMDB.com as my guide to the films of fall 2002- spring 2003.
The first week of September brings us back to school with the pathetic metaphor plus soapy movie-of-the-week plot plus Robert De Niro film "City By the Sea." The less time spent here the better so we skip ahead to "Red Dragon." For this film I suggest fans of the franchise skip backward to 1986's "Manhunter," which despite the terrible 80s music and repulsive name, is a much better film.
Jump to the semester's first good movie "The Rules of Attraction." Seeing this film was almost as satisfying as watching it alienate a packed theater of MTV-conditioned High Schoolers. The complete silence after the film's sarcastic/sadistic first five minutes radiated an overwhelming psychic vibe of "Why Dawson, why???" But of course it wasn't their fault. From the film's WB cast and with MTV angst exploitationists Puddle of Mudd backing up the trailer, it looks more like "Dawson goes to college with that girl from Seventh Heaven and that other girl from "A Knights Tale" rather than "Dawson snorts coke, pounds Jack Daniels and takes home that girl from 'The Horse Whisperer.'" This exercise in demographic juxtaposition goes to show what happens when the PR machine puts its muscle behind a film, leaving me to wonder just how far they'll go next(maybe Rob Zombie's "House of 1000 Corpses" as this year's most heart-felt romantic comedy?)
Next we have the fall's most pleasant surprise, the Naomi Watts led "The Ring." Who would think that a horror film with a good cast and a great premise would actually be great? This remake of the 1998 Japanese film "Ringu" rounds out Hollywood's recent trilogy in cultural imperialism starting with the 2001 remake of Abre Los Ojos, "Vanilla Sky," and the same titled 2002 remake of Erik Skjoldbj�rg's Norwegian film "Insomnia."
This trend of taking successful, unique and original films from other countries and refilming them with appropriate star power, directors of name and a complete cultural white-out is almost as terrifying as "The Ring's" catatonic antagonist. It's hard enough for foreign filmmakers to get their films into theatres without Hollywood budding in and saying "well that was good... but we could make it 'Tom Cruise' good. Let us take a shot at it."
Now we have to hold on tight to pilot through the guilty pleasures of "Jackass: The Movie," the bored guilty pleasures of "James Bond: Die Another Day," and the truly worthy of more than a passing reference "Solaris" (also a foreign remake) to the big money end of the year blockblusters. Fresh off of finals I crowded into a sold-out 4:00 showing of "LOTR: The Two Towers." Over Christmas break I saw it three more times ... that's really all I have to say about it. Before breaking between semesters I caught the brutal slaughter on an epic scale that is "Gangs of New York," and over the break watched it fall victim to an equally savage box office beating from "Two Weeks Notice" and "Maid in Manhattan," which was just as hard to watch. Ouch.
I questioned Rob Marshall's decision to shoot "Chicago" with such a dark palate as I almost sat on someone, trying to find a seat for my girlfriend and myself in a completely full theatre. Despite brilliant interweaving of song, dance and plot, and a catchy tune or three I just can't get over how much Richard Gere sucks.
The abundance of oscar-buzzed films nearly breaks my bank as spring break idleness leads me to way more cinema than I can afford. Somewhere in the haze of films squeezed between more screenings of "LOTR" is the under appreciated cop grit film "NARC" and the immensely over-appreciated old-man pondering-life crap "About Schmidt." I take my empty wallet and extensive knowledge of Tolkien's second epic back to St. Cloud.
January brings the predictably depressing backlash of bad films scrounging for left over disposable income from December's blockbuster orgy. It also brings Michael Moore to SCSU for the second time. "Bowling for Columbine" opens first at Parkwood (courtesy of D.E.E.P.) and then on campus to fire-code breaching attendance. This pudgy docu-comedian incites hearty class discussion, vocal anti-Bush sentiment and public outrage, climaxing in luke-warm anti-war protest attendance. (Ah, the staying power of a hideously over-emotional propaganda film).
Despite the fact that I'm nearly broke and clumsily haven't filed my ticket stubs for compensation yet (and still haven't, yikes!) I can't avoid seeing "Final Destination 2," which surprisingly, is the abhorrent bloody mess I hoped it would be.
I do, however, avoid "Kangaroo Jack," "Basic," "Daredevil," "Cradle 2 the Grave," "Tears of the Sun," "The Hunted" and "Jungle Book 2." None of which, I regret not seeing to this day.
This victory is short lived though as I end up suffering boredom and bitterness at the hands of "Dreamcatcher," "Phonebooth" and "The Life of David Gale." But no damage is done which cannot be reversed with a bitter rant, a good night's sleep and intense psychotherapy.
But now as I key these last words, encroaching on that aforementioned final deadline I look forward to the future. I stare hungrily at "that subtle off-white coloring" of my invitation to a press screening of "The Matrix: Reloaded." I wait patiently for the rescheduling of my conference call with Beyonce Knowles. And I plan on watching film buzz intently this summer, eagerly hoping that either one or both of the impending Alexander the Great films being shot this summer will become victim to a biblical smiting from a vengeful God. (summer dreams can come true can't they?)
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