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St. Cloud State University

College Publisher

Sedate me please, it's the holidays

By Joe Palmersheim

Joe Palmersheim -- Reader´s Advocate

I was at the mall the other week, and it never fails me how quickly the stores can turn over from Halloween to Christmas in the span of a week or so. Seriously, if I didn't hate it so much, I would look at it as something to be proud of, like D-Day or something.

So, when I find myself wandering the mall in a consumerist daze, fantasizing about shooting out the low-fidelity speakers with a high powered rifle, I often wonder if it's all worth it. All the stress, the cost and running around like a barbarian from a Mad Max movie trying to find that perfect gift.

If you ever want to see human nature at its finest, try to find a parking spot at the mall a few days before Christmas. We circle like sharks in our cars, following other innocent people carrying bags like bloodhounds on a good scent. After a half an hour trying to find a spot, the f-words come out, and soccer moms turn to Andrew Dice Clay. Our moment of triumph over the other fools in the parking lot is fleeting, however, because we still need to find the PERFECT gift. Not just anything will do. Perfection, every single time. And we wonder why so many people are unhappy around the Holi-daze.

I think the worst thing is all of the ads for couples. I think jewelry commercials are the worst when it comes to this. If I hear the Shane Company tell me to give her something she'll remember for the holidays ONE MORE TIME, I will scream. Loud. If I wanted to give the girlfriend-I-don't-have something to remember, I'd buy her something a hell of a lot cheaper than jewelry.

Maybe I'm just a cynic. Wait - I KNOW I'm just a cynic. But I'd like to believe that somewhere, underneath all the relentless consumerism, that humanity truly is a better place during the holidays. Maybe this year will be different. I would like to have faith in humanity again, but most of the time I see it like the parking lot at the mall: don't trust anyone, always - WAIT! WAIT! THERE'S A SPOT! DRIVE! FASTER! NO! BAD SOCCER MOM! BAD! DAMMIT!

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