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A St. Patty's day message
By Michael Jon Palmquist
Published:
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Today is that day we all give ourselves free rein to act like complete jackasses in the name of the Irish. By tonight there will be more green covering Downtown St. Cloud's sidewalks and back alleys than the entire countryside of Cork...more O'Briens and McCoys thrashing wildly under barstools and crawling face-first down staircase banisters than in the history of Dublin.
There is nothing anyone can do to stop these evil leprechauns now. They will run in unstoppable hoards, mashing and treading over everything that stands in their way, including the good Irish reputation.
Even the ambitious pseudo-liberals that try to stop this criminal defamation will scream in vain. They will only march in circles around the National Hockey Center rink, blocking everyone's view of the game and spreading propaganda about sober and non-fighting Irish.
Until the little green men flood the arena and rip them all to shreds with broken Guinness bottles and no-leaf clovers.
Do not resist the urge to join forces with this insane trail of destruction. It is perfectly natural-even the English and the Scotsmen crave the sour taste of drunken bloodlust - resistance is futile. Join the rat race.
We will conquer the town in tight suspenders and rabbits' feet and green bile spurting from every orifice. Any bar parading a cover charge will be burnt flatly to the ground. The sober among us will be quarantined and used as moving targets in the Rotten-potato Launching Tournament. Tonight's savagery will rival that of most other Catholic holidays. Perhaps more.
We do what we want. The Real Irish won't complain. They walk among us and do the same. They too perpetrate unspeakable atrocities and scurry back before dawn to their damp caves and dark lairs, leaving a wake of destruction for others to mend.
Paint the town green. Happy St. Patrick's Day.
-Michael Jon Palmquist
Staff Columnist
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